“I am a cancer survivor.”
These five words have been part of my own life’s tapestry and my very own personal
journey.
They are why I am still here. They are as much of a
declaration for survival and life affirmation, even if they have only been
regarded by most in the context of “I have a splinter,” or “I have a zit.”
However, this past weekend I found these five words of my
very own life to somehow be life affirming to others in ways I did not expect,
and in return, I was reignited with life-affirming momentum in an apparent
destined exchange.
Years ago, when I heard the words “You have cancer,” at the
time no one actually cared that I did, nor articulated their concern for my
having it. The diagnosis did not
actually have any more power than the five words “I am a cancer survivor,” for
when I fought it, beat it and survived it.
It was up to me to stay, to know that it was for purpose in
a way that didn’t make sense at the time, as others felt there wasn’t anything
they could ‘do’ or ‘say’ to change what was happening, so basically everyone
around me stayed SILENT.
It was a lonely journey, and it made me question humanity on
many levels for which I have no resentment, but only gratitude in that – if it
were not for that, I wouldn’t actually still be here.
This weekend, these words “I am a cancer survivor,” actually
affirmed life for another looking for some sort of beacon of light and hope in
earthly human form to be actual proof of what was possible.
This is new for me as a human to actually experience.
For the thirty years, I have worked on behalf of benefactor
charities and non-profits through media and production of clients and live
events – these five words did not even matter in these arenas, no matter how
many people I met, because that was not the focus. I was to promote, promote, promote for visibility
and awareness for these charities to bring to light their cause, gain support,
and continue keep on, keeping on.
I had begun to feel my life’s work did not matter on the
level of making the impact or awareness until I had extracted my communications
with neuroscience to integrate mind-body healing and help others navigate their
own pathway. However, even here…I did
not feel like what I did mattered much for the bigger picture, despite the
claimed transformation, elimination of burden and greater joy. That may sound weird… but there is so much
MORE I want to do with this to help more people to reinforce my existence for
surviving more than just cancer and autoimmunity, care-taking of aging parents,
and educating, hopefully inspiring others beyond the context of what is
perceived.
Although, even here with one client at a time, the feeling
of having it actually matter on a soul-level to others was only visible to the
third-mind’s-eye in higher consciousness for the greater good and not the human
sphere. For the soul it can be
liberating, but for the human still stuck here… it is not as gratifying, until
other parameters are met to ‘know’ mattering and influence on a very different
level.
After coming off the psychologically and emotionally
grueling week of the Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain suicides like the rest of
the world, I wanted to begin conversations on a new level, to open up avenues
for continued healing.
People don't seem to realize the common thread of what just happened. But I know this common thread from a different place, in being a cancer survivor and still asking 'why the heck am I here?' even while full-knowing (and doing) my own life's purpose.
What I
witnessed everywhere I have trekked thus far is that more people continue numbing their pain with the
tangible distractions of alcohol, retail therapy, and other crutch coping
mechanisms of human distraction of busyness void filling, rather than deal with the confrontation of
talking with REAL exchanges instead of the safe “beauty pageant” display.
WHY did I just state this?
I want people to
come clean about their real thoughts and to be honest ... and I am on some mad exhaustive search to find brave, courageous, truthful people who want to be vulnerable and fearless without having to worry about judgment. And for those who cannot 'go there' - this is WHY I am here... to help.
As you know from last summer's blogs (since you know what I did last summer), my naked truth of being open was to show I will never ask of others what I myself won't do, thus why I was open, raw, real and yet this slow-mo-go of finding others willing to go on this journey has been an arduous one... I won't kid you.
Where I am – I am not seeing it, no matter how
I attempt to encourage it with my own vulnerability and rawness.
In the 'mainstream' ---- Everything feels so glossed over, shelved
dismissed or if it is seen, there is a symphony of CRICKETS building in some
crescendo of silence that still disturbs my burning soul desiring so much more than
frivolous cocktail conversation. Yet over 200,000 profile views leave me scratching my head. It's inexplicable, yet, I know the answer.
That is my truth. Though,
I hang on wondering when others will be brave enough to join me to have this
exchange. This has nothing to do with me;
this has to do with YOU. Yes, YOU. When are you going to wake up, show up, and
participate? Will I live long enough to
see that? My human and soul question
this while I remain here on this planet.
Talking is exactly
what we need to do.
Yet confrontation, depth, substance and meaning – as much as
they cater to ‘mattering’ – people like to ‘run’ or ‘avoid’ or ‘deny’ or ‘pretend’
that talking is something to do ‘later.’
To be ignored is something I have been used to, and as my
mother used to say, “Just brush it off.”
My father used to say, “Children should be seen and not
heard.”
I refuse to subscribe
to this mindset.
The rebellion I have is not popular among the general
public, though embraced by my creative arts people as free expression. Occasionally, I am given a ‘what’s up/right
on’ nod. Though this is only usually, by
the hand of the lone wolf warriors or entrepreneurs, also fighting the good
fight.
Yet, in the mainstream, traveling the pathway of the
less-traveled, while no easy trek – I can only be true to this, because
honestly, my soul cannot compromise integrity and won’t.
Perhaps this is WHY I blog and why I have penned 67 books to
exorcise my verbosity in the capacity of where I have been suppressed. In order
to live, and declare to be a survivor, I had to rebel against my conditioning
and how I was raised, to be here, to no longer be censored, or continuously
invisible to being part of the bigger picture of healing and helping others.
This weekend, someone actually wanted to hear what I had to
say. It took more than half a century
for this to happen, but Hallelujah – it happened, at last.
I needed to walk. So I walked eight miles to feel
invigorated by grace… the number of infinity symbolism.
Along the pathway, I was seeing signs of economic sadness
with boarded up storefronts and ‘for lease’ signs everywhere on what used to be
a decorated walkway of small business, entrepreneurial hopes and dreams, and opportunity.
What now appears to be a ghost town, left my soul hungering
for answers as much as it left me contemplating my own geographical move.
The bigger questions of life loomed and swirled as I found
my feet pounding harder on the pavement to feel connected to the grounding, as
if to ‘shake up’ some sort of rumble in comprehending “What’s goin’ on?” as the
late Marvin Gaye resonated in my head.
With the song recall in the endless loop of my mind, I found my feet
pushing out a rhythmic choreography, telling my body to chassé: and pas de
bourreé, as if the Universe knew something life affirming was about to happen.
There was a woman doing a merchandising display in the
window of a small store. As I stood and
watched, I remember when I had first entered the doors of FIDM (Fashion
Institute of Design & Merchandising) admissions in my early beginnings of
exploring the psychology of display.
The woman saw me and motioned for me to enter the small
boutique.
At first, we discussed design and display because she was
curious as to what made me stop my pavement-pounding trek as much as I was
curious how she could be starting out in what appeared to be a ghost town
existence of many ‘closing up shop.’
We talked for about fifteen minutes, suddenly diving deeper
and deeper into conversation than I had ever expected as strangers…discussing
pathways, when the words “I am a cancer survivor” suddenly mattered because
this woman had just finished her first rounds of chemotherapy.
I had no idea she was wearing a wig – it looked real and her
spirit was vibrant. When she heard I was
a survivor, suddenly I was received in a light that actually mattered in context to my own survival mattering FOR
PURPOSE beyond just living, existing, dreaming, and surviving.
What she did not realize was that her fight to survive life itself
and as a business economically within the remains of a string of boarded up businesses,
peppering the road was life affirming to me.
The fact she would choose to survive in that mess was motivating and powerful and I told her she can do this.
What I did not realize was that my declaration as a survivor
to do my life’s work was in return life affirming in hope and camaraderie as an
example. She was glad I stopped to
actually have this conversation with her to reassure her she was not alone on
this journey and impart some healing journey tips of wisdom with affirmation. I remember what it was like, when no one
wanted to talk because they were afraid and I never want anyone to feel like I
did in this process.
It was within this glorious human exchange, the soul and
spirit were able to provide both light and hope and it was mutual. I did not
expect to have her want to listen, as much as she did not expect to want to be
heard.
So I will continue walking, talking and sharing as I walk my own talk and pay no mind to the silence, only to get louder and know that whatever resonates to someone, somewhere matters.
I wanted
to share this with you to let you know that LINKS of LIFE AFFIRMATION are
around you. Sometimes you can be surprised just at how much your own survival
can matter to someone. But for the
record, your life matters to me and I invite you to join in to rediscover that
for yourself along this journey – you are always welcomed here.
Namaste.
